a pass when it first came out, but I just watched it a few days ago and I'm glad I did. While it is not at all a great movie, it is enjoyable on a surface level, especially from the perspective of someone who enjoys fantasy and GMing.
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| Universal Pictures |
That said, while I feel I owe it to the movie to explain why you should watch it for its intriguing and delightful fantasy visuals, I also feel the need to delve into
Snow White's many failings as a story and a film. So,
as is traditional, let's start off with the negative stuff:
[Spoilers, obviously]
Kristen Stewart is the Worst at Everything
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| "Just close your mouth for one minute, please!" Universal Pictures |
This fruit is hanging so low that, by swinging at it, I risk damaging the turf. Kirsten Strewat spends the entire film concentrating on breathing naturally instead of acting, and fails at both. Her best lines come when another character talks at her and she responds by trying to force air past her gills. Occasionally, she forgets where she is and just starts trying to poop.
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| Universal Pictures |
In this wild fantasy movie where magpies crap out fairies and an evil witch steals the youth from townspeople, the greatest stretch of the imagination is that dead-eyed Kritsen Stewrat is called 'the fairest of them all'. She's pale like Snow White, I'll give her that. But Snow White is supposed to have charisma. That's her primary stat. Kirtsen Stawert has all the charisma of dry rot. During one scene, she is supposed to disarm an angry troll with nothing but her special chosen-one purity and beauty, but she just ends up sucking air at it until it decides to leave.
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| Universal Pictures |
In another, more critical scene, she gives a rallying speech to her troops (yeah, Snow White has troops in this movie, because every fantasy movie has to end with a battle now). It's supposed to come across as a sort of Braveheart/Independence Day
inspirational speech, but between the terrible script and K-Stew's
Raspberry-Award-winning delivery, it couldn't inspire a dog to lick itself.
One of the biggest fears one can have going into a post-Twilight Kristin Stewert film was that they would try to Twilight-up the movie with teen angst and forced love triangles and
excessive staring. Fortunately for us, the forced love triangle is barely acknowledged in the film. Krestin Strawhat is supposed to be torn between the titular Huntsman (a Chris Hemsworth-shaped hunk of man-flesh) and Prince
Florian William, but having the range of expression of an empty chalkboard, she fails to make the love triangle come to life. Sort of like in Twilight. The Huntsman and the Prince were equally reluctant to show anything for Snow White as well, probably worrying that Ketsrin Stweart would take it as an advance and
try to jump their bone. When Prince William and when the Huntsman kiss her, they look like they lost a bet. This makes sense, because Snow White is dead at the time, but I would attribute it more to the fear of kissing the director's mistress.
Also: gee, I wonder which one she'll end up with... Maybe the one whose name is in the movie's title?
The Script is Rubbish
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| "WTF am I reading?" Universal Pictures |
There are a lot of things in
Snow White and the Huntsman and the Prince that happen not because they make sense, but because the script demanded it. When the Huntsman decides to defend Snow White against the Evil Queen's Evil Brother, he kills the guards and ... just sorta knocks the Evil Brother into some fungi and walks away. Because the script demanded that Evil Brother return with more guys and chase after them. And then when he does return, he almost beats the Huntsman, even though the Huntsman had easily beaten him and four other dudes just a few days ago.
Then they spend forever in the evil dark forest. This would make sense if they were hiding out there from the Queen, but their goal is actually to get to Duke Hammond's castle as fast as possible. How fast do they go? Well, slow enough that someone has time to get from the Queen's castle to Duke Hammond's castle and tell them that Snow White is alive, then Prince William has enough time to disguise himself and ride to the Queen's castle and join up with the Evil Brother's
second expedition into the evil dark forest, and they have enough time to ride into the forest and set fire to the village Snow White is staying in. Then Snow White and the Huntsmen get captured by the seven dwarves, bond with them, visit a faerie glade, and fight the Evil Brother again. Only after Snow White is killed by a poisoned apple (spoiler alert!) does the script allow them to reach Duke Hammond's castle.
She is awakened from her death by the aforementionedly unconvincing true love's kiss only because the audience is expected to have seen
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Taking the movie on its own, nothing sets up the fact that true love's kiss should break the spell. The Evil Queen just gives her a poisoned apple, monologues for a second, then tries to rip out Snow White's heart. Nothing about how
"The Victim of the Sleeping Death can be revived only by Love's First Kiss." But hey, why take the time to establish something so critical to the plot when another movie has already done it for you?
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| Universal Pictures |
Then she leads troops into battle, Joan of Arc style, wearing full plate and riding a war horse, despite not having the time to have a suit of armour fitted to her, and having killed the only other horse she ever rode in the Swamp of Sadness.
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| Universal Pictures/Warner Bros. Pictures |
Fortunately, Snow White is then shown to be terrible at combat, but I'm not sure whether that's because the director realized she shouldn't know how to fight at all, or because Krastin Strewnert is the Worst at Everything.
Things are Set Up that Never Pay Off
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| "I seem important, but you'll never see me again." Universal Pictures |
This is probably the greatest tragedy of
Snow White and the Huntsman and the Prince and the Seven Dwarfs. There's plenty of cool stuff in here that makes it worth watching (and I swear I'll get around to talking about it eventually), but there could have been
more of it. There was a lot of potential, but - like a fraudulent ebay account - the movie promised more than it delivered.
Prince William was established early on as a badass Legolas-level archer, complete with
Point-Blank Shot,
Manyshot, and
Snatch Arrows. He then uses this to kill, like, two dudes, then spends the final battle swinging a sword around like we've never seen him do in the movie up to that point. What we should have seen was Prince William using his mad archery skillz to aid Snow White as she pursued and fought the Evil Queen.
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| Universal Pictures |
As for the dwarves (or dwarfs if you must) - well, let me talk about the dwarves for a second. First of all, I thought they did a really good job with the body doubles and trick photography. Or at least I did until I found out they just
pasted the actors' faces over real little people. Sadly, the dwarves were basically only in the film because it was expected. They contributed nothing uniquely dwarven to the story. The biggest thing that happens is that one of the dwarves takes an arrow for Snow White and dies. We are sad, because this is the dwarf Snow White danced with a few scenes ago.
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| Pictured Disney |
The party grieves over his death for more screentime than the dwarf got while alive. Now Snow White is accompanied by only... seven dwarves. Wait, there were eight before? And the screenwriters didn't even have the balls to kill off one of the seven dwarves? Anyways, the dwarves were woefully underutilized in this movie, which is a tragedy considering they had such talent as Ian McShane, Bob Hoskins, Eddie Marsan, Ray Winstone, and my close personal friend Nick Frost.
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| File photo |
But the biggest set-up that never pays off is Snow White's magical purity-based connection to nature and the fey world. First her escape is made possible by the aid of some magpies (a nice homage to Snow White's animal friends in the Disney movie) and a pure white horse (who she brutally kills through negligence). Then she charms a rampaging bridge troll with only her mouth-breathing. Then her greatness is recognized by Bob Hoskins the blind dwarf oracle, who says she is the chosen one who will return life and bounty to the land. Then faeries creepily pop out of some magpies and lead Snow White to a magical faerie glen where, like, the fey elk lord of all faeriedom or something bows to her. Then the Evil Witch-Queen
Ravenna says only Snow White's beauty can kill her or some bullcrap. But really all Snow White needs to kill the witch is a quick stab to the gut. All that build-up leads to nothing, while failing to convince the audience that Korsten Strawt is at all super-special.
What should have happened was the faerie realm and nature itself rising up to aid Snow White in overthrowing the Evil Queen. A couple of those bridge trolls would have ripped right through the enemy lines, while the little faeries and their ability to possess animals could have wreaked havoc with the cavalry. Snow White could have ridden that badass stag-lord into battle. If Snow White's innocence and purity allowed her to summon the power of the fey and somehow kill the Evil Queen that way, it would be a much more fitting conclusion than a surprise-stab with a little dagger.
"But Jonah, or d20 Despot," you might find yourself asking, depending on how well you know me, "if all this stuff is wrong with the movie, why should I watch it?" Well...
Why Should I Watch This Movie Anyways?
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| Universal Pictures |
Snow White and the Huntsman and the Prince and the Seven-no-wait-Eight-nope-now-it's-Seven Dwarfs is a visual feast for fantasy lovers.
First you've got the king riding into battle against a decoy army powered by witchcraft...
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| Universal Pictures |
...a magic mirror or gong or whatever that turns into a hooded oracle of liquid brass...
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| Universal Pictures |
...a truly weird and menacing evil forest full of psychedelic terror spores and mindfuckery...
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| Universal Pictures |
...Thor, the badass axe-ranger...
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| Universal Pictures |
...an enchanting faerie realm...
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| Universal Pictures |
...an adventuring party running across not-New-Zealand...
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| Universal Pictures |
...a charge down a beach that is somehow less stupid than the one in Ridley Scott's
Robin Hood despite the presence of Krabstien Stroghurt...
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| Universal Pictures |
...magically animated obsidian shard warriors...
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| Universal Pictures |
...and plenty of other stuff to keep you happy. Ignore the village that exists only to get burned. Ignore the knights whose horses vanish as soon as they reach the castle. Ignore the questionable decisions and leaps of logic. Ignore that the philandering director cast his wife as the mother of his mistress. Ignore Karstan Stawart. Just watch the movie with an open mind and have fun. At the very least it's a hell of a lot better than that simmering crock-pot of shit that Julia Roberts was in.
Oh, crap, I've already ruined the movie with my nitpicking, haven't I? Ok, pretend you haven't read this, go watch the movie,
then come back and read this again so you can feel validated in liking the things you liked and being annoyed with the things that were bad. Much better.
-your
hellste Stern von allen, d20 despot
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