Hello loyal readers (and disloyal readers too, I suppose). Despite the fact that I haven't kept this site updated for years, I am here again to celebrate its anniversary. d20 Despot is 8 years old! And as always, it's time for an April Fool's post (check out past April Fools here). Just like last year, I'm not pulling the wool over anyone's eyes, as there is far too much disinformation out there as it is. Instead, I've statted up some aggressively stupid spells that act like the fantasy version of social media apps.
Spells like these have long been a running joke at my table, usually instigated by Kat (the bard in my Graverobbers campaign, played by Jane Kelly) and growing as she and my wife Olivia riffed on the idea. Olivia's character in my Big Sleep campaign (the next big adventure which I wrote for Petersen Games) is a College of Glamour bard who is basically an influencer, always trying to leverage her clout on Instagrimoire.
(Hey, speaking of social media, you can follow ME on Instagrimoire at instagram.com/d20despot, where I mostly post pictures of my cat and of Warhammer models that I'm painting.)
These spells are probably grossly unbalanced, and are intended to be fun and tongue-in-cheek. These spells should never be construed to grant in-game benefits. The following items are available as Open Game Content under the 5th Edition OGL. Open Game Content is ©2020 Jonah Bomgaars.
Selfie
Transmutation cantrip
Classes: bard, cleric, druid, paladin, ranger, sorcerer, wizard, warlock
Casting Time: 1 action
Range: self
Components: S, M (2 sp, which the spell consumes)
Duration: Instantaneous
You imprint a picture of yourself on a blank piece of paper or parchment in your possession. The angle of the picture and its field of view are determined by the positioning of your hand during the casting, but your face must be included in the frame of the image. Anything that would be visible from the perspective of the casting hand (including illusions) appears in the image as well. The resulting image is visually accurate but only rendered in black ink, and can appear as a line drawing or woodcut.
The casting fails if you do not have a blank sheet or page in your possession for the selfie to be inscribed upon.
Kat's Magnificent Selfie
1st-level transmutation
Classes: bard
Casting Time: 1 action
Range: self
Components: S, M (5 gp, which the spell consumes)
Duration: Instantaneous
You create a colorful and detailed image of yourself on a blank piece of paper or parchment in your possession. The angle of the picture and its field of view are determined by the positioning of your hand during the casting, but your face must be included in the frame of the image. Anything that would be visible from the perspective of the casting hand (including illusions) appears in the image as well. The resulting image is visually accurate and rendered in up to six colors in any 2-dimensional art style you are familiar with.
The casting fails if you do not have a blank sheet or page in your possession for the selfie to be inscribed upon.
Filter
Illusion cantrip
Classes: bard, sorcerer, wizard
Casting Time: 1 action
Range: self
Components: V, S
Duration: 1 minute
You create an illusion over your face which provides minor cosmetic alterations such as smoothing away blemishes, enlarging or shrinking a facial feature, or adding the ears or nose of an animal.
Instagrimoire
1st-level conjuration
Classes: bard, cleric, druid, paladin, ranger, sorcerer, wizard, warlock
Casting Time: 1 action
Range: self
Components: V, S
Duration: 8 hours
You summon a magical book called the Instagrimoire. Each caster's Instagrimoire is unique to them, and the same Instagrimoire appears each time they cast this spell. It starts as a blank book with 101 pages. When you cast selfie or Kat's magnificent selfie while this spell is active, you can choose to imprint the image on one of the Instagrimoire's pages instead of a real page in your possession. If you choose, you can add a short caption of no more than 25 words beneath this selfie. Your Instagrimoire holds up to 50 such selfies on the last 50 of its pages; once that number is surpassed, the oldest selfie disappears to make room for the newest one.
You can inscribe the names of up to 100 creatures on the first page of your Instagrimoire. If any creatures named on the first page have imprinted selfies in their own Instagrimoires, you can see the 50 most recent such images on pages 2-51 of your Instagrimoire.
Send Selfie
3rd-level conjuration
Classes: bard, cleric, druid, paladin, ranger, sorcerer, wizard, warlock
Casting Time: 1 action
Range: Unlimited
Components: V, S, M (a small piece of paper folded into the shape of a bird)
Duration: Permanent
You send an image generated by the selfie or Kat's magnificent selfie spells to a creature with which you are familiar. A copy of the page bearing the image instantly appears in the possession of the target creature. The recipient is aware that they received a picture and recognizes you as the sender if it knows you.
You can send the image across any distance and even to other planes of existence, but if the target is on a different plane than you, there is a 5 percent chance that the image doesn't arrive.
Tweet
1st level evocation
Classes: bard
Casting Time: 1 action
Range: 1 mile
Components: V, S, M (1 sp, which the spell consumes)
Duration: Instantaneous
You send a short message of twenty-five words or less to all creatures within the spell's range. Each creature hears the message in its mind and knows the name of the sender. Any recipient who can also cast tweet can immediately cast that spell as a reaction, expending the material components but not a spell slot. All recipients of the original message, including the sender, then hear the respondent's message.
Block
1st level abjuration (ritual)
Classes: bard, cleric, druid, paladin, ranger, sorcerer, wizard, warlock
Casting Time: 1 minute
Range: self
Components: V, S, M (a scrap of paper or parchment, which the spell consumes)
Duration: Permanent
You inscribe the name of one creature on a scrap of paper or parchment. Upon completion of this spell, the paper spontaneously and harmlessly combusts. The creature named by this spell can no longer see your selfies on Instagrimoire, nor can you see theirs. You cannot receive messages sent by that creature via the message cantrip or the sending, send selfie, or tweet spells.
You can cancel the effects of this spell at any time by casting it again, naming the same creature.
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-your always-online d20 despot
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