Social Media Spells for Arcane Influencers

Hello loyal readers (and disloyal readers too, I suppose). Despite the fact that I haven't kept this site updated for years, I am here again to celebrate its anniversary. d20 Despot is 8 years old! And as always, it's time for an April Fool's post (check out past April Fools here). Just like last year, I'm not pulling the wool over anyone's eyes, as there is far too much disinformation out there as it is. Instead, I've statted up some aggressively stupid spells that act like the fantasy version of social media apps. 

Spells like these have long been a running joke at my table, usually instigated by Kat (the bard in my Graverobbers campaign, played by Jane Kelly) and growing as she and my wife Olivia riffed on the idea. Olivia's character in my Big Sleep campaign (the next big adventure which I wrote for Petersen Games) is a College of Glamour bard who is basically an influencer, always trying to leverage her clout on Instagrimoire. 

(Hey, speaking of social media, you can follow ME on Instagrimoire at instagram.com/d20despot, where I mostly post pictures of my cat and of Warhammer models that I'm painting.)

These spells are probably grossly unbalanced, and are intended to be fun and tongue-in-cheek. These spells should never be construed to grant in-game benefits. The following items are available as Open Game Content under the 5th Edition OGL. Open Game Content is ©2020 Jonah Bomgaars. 

Cursed Items for April Fooling Your PCs

Hi all! Today is the 7th anniversary of d20 Despot's founding! And while I've been on hiatus for the last few years (because I still haven't gotten used to working from home), I will not let this anniversary go unmarked!

Traditionally we've done hilarious April Fools goofs on this most foolish of days, but the world isn't doing great right now and I don't feel like deceiving you even for a good good gag. But that doesn't mean you can't deceive your players! With that in mind, I've crafted a selection of cursed items for all you devious GMs who love pranking your players. If you're running a remote, social distancing game tonight, try slipping your party fighter a potion of hill giant intelligence!

Before I get to the goods, a little update: back in 2018 I was hired as a freelancer by Petersen Games to work on some 5th edition Cthulhu Mythos adventures. These adventures run from 1st to 15th level and are split across 4 books. The first of these Cthulhu Sagas, Ghoul Island, is available now (book 1 is for sale, books 2-4 are up for preorder). I was a junior developer on that one. I was made lead developer on the next adventure, Yig Snake Granddaddy, the first book of which will be released in May! I wrote the whole dang thing and I'm really proud of it. It's got dinosaurs and eldritch abominations and mummified cats!

Ok, on to the good stuff. The following items are available as Open Game Content under the 5th Edition OGL. Open Game Content is ©2020 Jonah Bomgaars. Yeah that's right, I switched to 5th Edition. Get used to it, because it's way, way easier to work with as a developer than Pathfinder (I haven't tried out Pathfinder 2 yet, so don't rule that out).

Bag of Scolding
Wondrous item, rare
This otherwise normal and functional bag of holding is cursed so that whenever you open it to store or retrieve an item, a stern voice from within the bag loudly berates you for your every perceived slight and mistake in a voice that is clearly audible for a 100 foot radius. Casting remove curse on the bag before opening it silences the voice for 1 minute.

Boots of Slipping
Wondrous item, rare (requires attunement)
These fine boots appear to all inspection to be boots of speed, and function as such the first time you use them after attuning to them.
   Curse. These boots are cursed, a fact that is revealed only when an identify spell is cast on them. Attuning to the boots curses you until you are targeted by the remove curse spell or similar magic. The boots cannot be removed by any means until the curse is lifted. Each time you activate the boots of slipping (after the first time), the boots duplicate the effects of a grease spell on the ground centered on yourself, with a spell save DC of 13. They do not increase your walking speed. Each time you take the Dash or Disengage action, there is a 50% chance that the boots activate by themselves.

Gloves of Sticky Fingers
Wondrous item, uncommon
These gloves are invisible when worn. While wearing them, you gain a +5 bonus to Dexterity (Sleight of Hand) checks and Dexterity checks made to pick locks. They appear to be gloves of thievery and an identify spell reveals them to be such.
   Curse. These gloves are cursed, a fact that is revealed only after attuning to them. Wearing the gloves curses you until you are targeted by the remove curse spell or similar magic. The boots cannot be removed by any means until the curse is lifted. Whenever you touch a creature that is not you or an object that does not belong to you, alchemical pads in the gloves release a small dose of quick-drying sovereign glue that takes only 6 seconds to set. Dispelling the curse does not break the bond of the glue.

Hat of Conspicuous Disguise
Wondrous item, uncommon (requires attunement)
While wearing this hat, you can use an action to cast the disguise self spell from it at will. The spell ends if the hat is removed. The hat always takes a form that would be completely inappropriate for the disguise, such as a floppy purple jester's cap, a neon yellow sombrero, or a bird's nest complete with chirping, illusory birds.

Manual of Medical Misinformation
Wondrous item, very rare
This book contains health and diet tips, and its words are charged with magic. It appears to all inspection to be a manual of bodily health, and an identify spell reveals it to be such. But the book is actually full of harmful misinformation: recipes for detoxifying weight-loss tea enemas, diagrams of jade yoni egg rituals, and conspiracy theories about how healing potions cause autism. If you spend 48 hours over a period of 6 days or fewer studying the book's contents and practicing its guidelines, your Constitution score decreases by 2. This decrease can be removed with a remove curse spell or similar magic. This insidious book never loses its magic.

Necklace of Prayer Bees
Wondrous item, rare (requires attunement by a cleric, druid, or paladin)
This necklace has 1d4 + 2 magic beads made from black pearl and yellow topaz. It appears to all non-magical inspection to be a necklace of prayer beads.
   Curse. This necklace is cursed, a fact that is revealed only when an identify spell is cast on it. Attuning to the necklace curses you until you are targeted by the remove curse spell or similar magic. While cursed, you cannot remove the necklace by any means. Each bead on the necklace seems to contain a beneficial spell that you can cast as a bonus action, like those on a necklace of prayer beads, but activating a bead only summons a swarm of wasps which attacks you relentlessly until it is destroyed. Once a magic bead is activated, that bead can't be used again until the next dawn. If all the beads are activated before the next dawn, the necklace crumbles into a pile of desiccated bee exoskeletons and the curse is broken.

Potion of Hill Giant Intelligence
Potion, uncommon
This concoction looks, smells, and tastes like a potion of hill giant strength. However, it is actually a cursed potion masked by illusion magic. An identify spell reveals its true nature.
   If you drink it, your Intelligence score changes to 5. At the end of 1 hour, you must succeed on a DC 10 Intelligence saving throw or the effect becomes permanent. A remove curse spell or similar magic ends this effect and restores your Intelligence score to normal. This potion only affects humanoids and giants.

Happy April Fools Day!
Stay safe and healthy out there - you are all my favorite people.

-your social distancing d20 despot

Which Would You Rather Fight?

Today's Monster Monday tackles that age-old question that has plagued mankind for eons - which would you rather fight: a horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses? You can finally answer this question in your game thanks to these two brand new monsters: the horse-sized duck and the swarm of 100 duck-sized horses! And feel free to spread the joy with a new spell (for bards, druids, rangers, and shamans) that lets you put the question to a friend or foe and then watch as they face the consequences of their decision.

The following text in gold is available as Open Game Content under the OGL. Open Game Content is ©2019 Jonah Bomgaars.

This massive duck stands on webbed feet the size of platters, preening its glistening wing feathers with its mighty beak. It could reasonably be described as horse-sized.

Duck, Horse-Sized             CR 2

XP 600

N Large animal

Init +6; Senses low-light vision; Perception +9

DEFENSE

AC 13, touch 11, flat-footed 11 (+2 Dex, +2 natural, -1 size)

hp 22 (3d8+9)

Fort +6, Ref +5, Will +3

OFFENSE

Speed 20 ft., fly 40 ft. (average), swim 40 ft.

Melee bite +5 (1d8+6)

Space 10 ft.; Reach 5 ft.

Special Attacks Mighty Quack (DC 14)

STATISTICS

Str 18, Dex 15, Con 17, Int 2, Wis 14, Cha 6

Base Atk +2; CMB +7; CMD 19

Feats Improved Initiative, Skill Focus (Perception)

Skills Fly +4, Perception +9, Swim +16

SQ hold breath

SPECIAL ABILITIES

Mighty Quack (Ex)

As a free action, the horse-sized duck lets out a booming quack. All creatures within 30 feet who can hear must succeed on a DC 14 Fortitude save or be shaken for 1 round. Once a creature successfully saves against this ability, it cannot be affected by the same horse-sized duck’s mighty quack for 24 hours.

ECOLOGY

Environment any

Organization solitary, pair, flock (3-12)

Treasure none

This tremendous duck is easily the size of a horse. With a bill the size of a tower shield and webbed feet the size of a smaller size of shield, this freakish waterfowl somehow lends itself easily to size comparisons. While it certainly seems to be the size of a horse, its mass is no doubt less, for horses have trouble floating and rarely fly unaided, while this mighty duck can easily do both.

Galloping forward on tiny hooves, these miniscule equines are all roughly duck-sized, though together they probably have the mass of one normal-sized horse.

100 Duck-Sized Horses               CR 2

XP 600

N Tiny animal (swarm)

Init +2; Senses low-light vision; Perception +7

DEFENSE

AC 14, touch 14, flat-footed 12 (+2 Dex, +2 size)

hp 17 (2d8+8)

Fort +7, Ref +5, Will +2

Defensive Abilities swarm traits

OFFENSE

Speed 50 ft.

Melee swarm (1d6)

Space 10 ft.; Reach 0 ft.

Special Attacks distraction (DC 15)

STATISTICS

Str 10, Dex 15, Con 18, Int 2, Wis 14, Cha 11

Base Atk +1; CMB --; CMD --

Feats Endurance, Run^B

Skills Perception +7

ECOLOGY

Environment any land

Organization solitary, herd (2-5 swarms), infestation (6-12 swarms)

Treasure none

What at first appears to be a distant stampede of horses is actually a very close stampede of very small horses, each one approximately 1/100^th the size of a regular horse (in layman’s terms: roughly duck-sized). Still, they gallop with frightening speed for such tiny creatures on such tiny hooves. While clearly duck-sized, each individual horse is much more powerful than a single duck. It would take a duck of roughly horse-size to take them all on in a fair fight.

Horse-Duck Dilemma

School conjuration (summoning); Level bard 2, druid 2, ranger 2, shaman 2

Casting Time 1 round

Components V, S

Range close (25 ft. + 5 ft./2 levels)

Target one humanoid creature

Duration 1 minute/level

Saving Throw none; Spell Resistance no

When you cast this spell, the target is telepathically asked a single question: “Which would you rather fight – a horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?” The target is compelled to answer immediately (no save), though their answer need not be truthful. Once the choice is made, the monster in question (either a horse-sized duck or a swarm of 100 duck-sized horses) appears at a random point within 30 feet of the target. It acts immediately, on your turn, though you have no control over it. The summoned creature is hostile to the target and attacks it relentlessly, though it will defend itself against other creatures who attack it as well. The summoned duck or horses remain for the spell’s duration, or until either they or the target are slain.

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d20 Despot began 6 years ago today, and by the gods I will not let that anniversary go un-marked.

-your equine/anatidine d20 despot

Gaming with Cats: A Guide to Life with Furry Dice-Thieves

If you are a cat owner and a gamer, you know that the fuzzy bundles of purr that we so enjoy can suddenly become agents of chaos on the tabletop. Whether they are playfully batting your dice away, chewing the sword arms off your minis, or sneaking a bite of pizza while everyone is distracted, cats can be a real nuisance at the tabletop. But they don't have to be!

Today is the five year anniversary of d20 Despot, and to celebrate it, I'll be co-writing this post with my lovely cat, Ishtar. Aside from stealing my dice and destroying my minis, she also loves to walk across my keyboard while I type and fall asleep on my reference books when I'm statting up monsters. Together, we will share some tips and tricks for keeping your cat at bay while your game is in session, and - if worse comes to worse - even integrating the cat's interference into the game with a new set of rigorously playtested rules for feline intervention.

Keeping Your Cat Away

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Which brings me to my next point:

Cat-Disaster Management

When the cat does end up interfering, you often find yourself scrambling to fix your elaborate miniatures layout and recover scattered dsniflgfcdxxzhmjujkmmnioplo09p/ /////////ice. Now, the players should trust you to be able to set things back to rights, but at times, you may not remember where a given mini was situated, and this can have a real impact on the course of a fight. That leads me to these new rules for feline intervention that should keep the encounter going withouetuhp.56 7eyp;u79 ?IO

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APRIL FOOLS - Attack of App-ortunity: Using Microtransactions in Your Tabletop Game

EDIT: This was an April Fools Day post.
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Being a Game Master is hard work.  Not only are you creating and sustaining an entire world for your players to mess around in, but you also have to spend a lot of time before each session doing all your prep work.  Add on to that the effort of hosting a group of people in your house, apartment, or parent's basement and possibly procuring and preparing food and snacks or everyone, and you've basically got yourself a full-time job.  Plus, you have to buy books, modules, dice, battle mats, minis, props, and all the accoutrements of GMing.  Nonetheless, running games for your friends is a rewarding hobby.  But if you are like me, you may be wondering: how can we make it more rewarding?

It's time to bring tabletop RPGs into the modern era!  Mobile games have completely changed the gaming landscape, not only by opening up gaming to a broader spectrum of players, but also by popularizing the microtransaction economy.  What are microtransactions?  Basically, they allow the player to spend a small amount of money to purchase items or unlock special benefits in the game.  If that sounds annoying to you, you're wrong: if it were annoying, it wouldn't make any money, but in 2014 players spent 1.33 billion dollars on microtransactions in the game Candy Crush Saga. The free market has spoken!  Microtransactions are by no means limited to games you play on your phone - they are an increasing presence in console and PC games as well.  Heck, in the free-to-play massively multiplayer RPG Dungeons & Dragons Online, players had to pay to unlock fan-favorite races and classes like drow, warforged, monks, and druids.

So what's to stop us from applying the microtransaction business model to our tabletop games?  Ask and ye shall receive, dear readers.  Presented below is the microtransaction system I'm implementing at my table starting with today's game.

The Metacurrency
Metacurrency is a technique that a lot of games use.  This is a type of in-game currency that you buy.  Basically, it's a second level of abstraction to help your brain forget that you are spending actual hard-earned legal tender on fake stuff in a game.  I've implemented three different metacurrencies in my game: Dungeon Bucks, Hero Coins, and Magic Gems.  Dungeon Bucks are the basic metacurrency that you use to buy Hero Coins.  Magic Gems cannot be bought with Dungeon Bucks or Hero Coins, and have to be purchased separately or won in-game.  Here's the breakdown:

Of course, I give each player a starting pool of 500 Dungeon Bucks and 10 Hero Coins - gotta give them a little taste so they keep coming back for more.

Now you may be wondering: how does this system interact with the in-game gold economy?  Can you spend in-game gold to buy Dungeon Bucks?  Of course not.  But you can buy keys that unlock...

APRIL FOOLS - Dhampurr: Half-Catfolk, Half-Half-Vampire, All Badass

Yes, this was an April Fool's joke.  Please do not use this race in your games.  Check out d20 Despot's past April Fools Day posts, like this one about GMing for your significant other, or this one that featured the incredible Bismuth Behemoth and a sneak peak into the Expanded Elemental Bestiary!  Actually, those two are the only others so far.  Happy 3rd anniversary to me!
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Dhampir, the enigmatic race of half-vampires (or vampyres, if you prefer) that make for great brooding anti-heroes.  Catfolk, the agile, spunky race of free-spirited rogues and tricksters.  Both are great race options for players that love to stand out from the pack at every turn.  But what happens when a dhampir and a catgirl fall in love?  Well, in celebration of d20 Despot's 3rd anniversary, I'm bringing you the dhampurr, half-catfolk, half-dhampir.  The dhampurr is a rare and special race that is bound to be a fixture of every adventuring party from now on.  Whether you are a player looking to make that perfect special character or a GM creating an awesome GMPC to carry your party through an epic adventure, the dhampurr is sure to keep everything revolving around you, just as it should be.

Phoenix Rain Nightshade, Priestess of the Dark Garden (Dhampurr Cleric/Druid)

One of the great things about the dhampurr race is that half of their ancestry is catfolk and half is half-vampire, but what's the other half-half? (That's a quarter for you math nerds.)  It adds a sense of mystery to an already great race, and leaves open a great opportunity for spicing up your character's backstory.  Are they one-quarter drow?  Tiefling?  Kender?  Could they even have the blood of a god running through their veins?  When you play a dhampurr, your destiny is what you make it!

APRIL FOOLS - Expanded Elemental Bestiary Preview

O frabjous day!  Today marks d20 Despot's 2nd birthday, and its 100th* post!

*ignoring any contentless newsposts

To celebrate, I'm pleased to announce d20 Despot's first print book, available in your local gaming shop soon!  It is titled The d20 Despot Expanded Elemental Bestiary.  A few months ago, I was brainstorming ideas for a mini-bestiary to release as my first foray into the market, and I started thinking about elementals.  Most elemental-themed monsters focus on the big four - water, earth, wind, and fire - with a few delving into stuff like ice or electricity, and the odd one or two dealing with strange para-elemental forces like time or magnetism or gravity.  Then I realized that there are so many untapped elements to bring into the game!  Just as a sneak preview for you, my loyal readers, here's a peak at one of the monsters in this book: the Bismuth Behemoth!

That's some nice art, right?  Kent Hamilton has left us for bigger and better things, so I'm pleased to introduce to you d20 Despot's new artist in residence: Thunderaxe_6969!  I'm finally putting that patreon funding to good use!  Thunderaxe_6969 is an experienced artist, having painted detailed fantasy-themed murals on his fair share of vans.  Now he's a real pro, having done all 120 illustrations in the Expanded Elemental Bestiary - a task which took him weeks to complete.  The results speak for themselves.

Without any further ado, here's the bismuth behemoth!  Afterwards I'll talk a bit about some of the other monsters you can expect to see in the Expanded Elemental Bestiary

The following text in gold is available as Open Game Content under the OGL. Open Game Content is ©2015 Jonah Bomgaars.

April Fools: GMing for your Significant Other

Edit: Hopefully it was obvious, but yes, this was an April Fool's joke.

I don't usually do two posts in one week these days, but the first of April happens to by d20 Despot's one year anniversary!  So to commemorate this auspicious occasion, I'm writing on an important topic that I see pop up pretty frequently on internet discussions of GMing: how to GM with your significant other in the group.

The general sense I get from these anecdotes and horror stories is that GMs tend to give preferential treatment to their boyfriends or girlfriends, and let them get away with anything, to the point where it harms the experience of the other players.  This is really bad practice and it can lead to the disintegration of your gaming group.

To demonstrate how to do this right, I'll run through my girlfriend's character sheet from our last campaign and pull out some examples.  And be on the lookout for some of my signature homebrewed magic items!